Why Don’t I Have Friends Like Susan?
Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)
I wrote this one night in an attempt to alleviate my anxiety and intense feelings. After I wrote it, I decided to publish it as a blog post. This is messy and vulnerable and it makes me feel very childish. However, these are situations we all go through. And we all have to wade through them. So I decided to share my experience with all of you.
Right now, I sit in my bed. I can’t decide if I’m angry, anxious, mad, or just irritated. Obviously, I’m some form of not happy.
Additionally, I can’t pinpoint why these emotions are here. Is it because of the long and difficult week I have had with my kids? Is it because my husband hurt his back and I have had to take over more parenting and house duties? Perhaps I’m sad because I am starting to suspect I am losing someone that has meant a great deal to me for many years now.
However, I can’t get the thoughts to go away.
When I have turned to exercise, I am calmer for a short period of time. Taking the night off and having a girls night with my daughter helped, but wasn’t the ultimate fix. Crying it out to my husband took the edge off, but made me realize that my emotions are the result of a lot of things that are just hitting all at once.
Why do my kids like to fight so much?
I feel like I am failing as a mother when I am constantly yelling at them. But several times an hour they are screaming and crying because this one took a toy from that one. Or because this one hit that one. I feel that their core memories from their childhood are going to be of me going psycho because I can’t handle one more argument.
It brings up unpleasant memories for me. I remember my oldest constantly comparing me to other moms. I’m sure this isn’t uncommon in the least but hurts nonetheless. So many times I would hear about how these friends’ parents would let their son do this, or that, or another thing. At times he would tell me that I wasn’t “motherly” enough, which stabbed me in the heart more than anything else that he said to me.
So often I worry that I am not being motherly enough to the younger two. And what is scarier is that I truly don’t know what to do to be more motherly. I hug, I kiss, I tell them I love them. At night they climb into bed with me to snuggle. We go on special mommy/child dates. We talk and I explain things at their level when they don’t understand or are frustrated. When I bake, I include them. I find special projects to do with them that I know they will like. We have park days. I try to find experiences for them to have instead of material things.
I don’t know what more to do. And that’s something that scares me most. How can I fix a problem if I truly can’t think of anything more to do to better the situation? That screams shitty mother more than anything to me.
I hate it when my husband hurts his back.
Often, when we are planning home projects or outings, I think about if there could be ramifications to his back as a result of doing whatever it is that we plan to do. More often than not he is fine. But randomly something will cause an issue. I feel horrible for him to be in that pain, but I also feel selfish too. When it happens, a lot stops in its tracks. Right now we are piecing the basement back together (it recently flooded) and that has come to a halt. He can’t help much with the kids or the house cleaning because he’s in too much pain. I can’t do anything to help him. I feel helpless, and I also feel overwhelmed. Stress is at the forefront as well because we just planned a trip, to take place in the next few weeks, and I don’t know if he will be in an appropriate physical shape to go.
I keep getting angry at myself for being stressed or upset about it because things could be so much worse. At least he will be fine. His back pain is not terminal. He won’t be leaving us alone on this earth as a result. It is a mild inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.
Why can’t my brain tell itself that? Why does it instead have to circle selfish thoughts and anxieties around like a cyclone? What kind of a person am I to get upset over such things? Why do I have to be a shitty human?
I don’t understand why I don’t have friends.
That’s dramatic, I do have friends. But the idea in my head of the kind of friend I want doesn’t seem to exist in this world. Or at least, it doesn’t exist for me.
When I was younger, my mom had a circle of friends that resembled backup moms. If she wasn’t available, one of them was. I remember having a school play that she couldn’t make and she called her friend Susan to stand in so I would have a person in the audience for me. I can’t find a way to have that in my life. Why don’t I have friends like Susan? Or like a Kelli? Or an Alison? Those were other backup mom’s that were also a staple of my childhood.
Every time I think I’m close to having someone like that for myself and for my kids, it seems to just go away.
A few years ago a childhood friend suggested a joint birthday party for the two of us, as our birthdays are only a day apart. I invited many people, bought a new dress and got excited about the occasion. One friend of mine showed up. Just one. The other birthday girl had several, including a few of her family members. None of my family came, just one friend. I felt the lowest of the low.
A few years ago when we were considering selling our house, we talked about moving to a nearby subdivision. I love the quietness of our home and the rural setting, but I was excited to be in that area, as there are a lot of families and kids. In my mind, it would be much easier to find long-lasting mom friends in an area like that. We didn’t end up moving, but I decided to take the same approach at my daughter’s school. The school year was cut short, but my efforts paid off. Somewhat. I’m pretty tight with the secretaries. Other parents? Not so much.
Do I have a friend defect? Am I a stage 5 clinger like in Wedding Crashers? What is it that causes me to not have quality friendships as my mom did? Am I that shitty of a friend? Am I a creep?
This is me, sitting in my feelings. Trying to sort it all out. I know that working through it is what will lead to higher self-esteem later on. If I compress it and push it away, it will just bubble back up later on.
If I were to listen to all of these things coming from another person, I would have so much to say to them. But because it’s me, I ignore all common sense and wallow in self-pity and annoyance.
If I was pretending that I was the other person, I would inform myself:
- You are not shitty at any of those things. These are isolated incidences. Bigger scale looks much different, and you know that.
- It’s okay to be selfish at times. It doesn’t need to be often or for a long while, but it’s natural to want things for yourself. Being selfish and also feeling grateful can happen. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Life is much different from your childhood. In some situations, it is like night and day. Many people feel the same as you do about it being hard to find friends. It’s not a reflection on you as an individual. The pictures you see online and even in person is what is referred to as the “highlight reel”. Nobody has a perfect life all the time. Everyone has their great moments and their crappy moments. At some point in everyone’s life, they will be a person with one friend at their birthday party. It’s not just you.
Right now, will saying these statements to myself do much? It will help some, but won’t erase the current emotions. But it is still crucial to getting the ball rolling on fixing the issues at hand. What will ultimately calm those feelings is reflection, rest, prayer, gratitude, and time. Working through it all will bring me to a more positive place. But to get there I have to wade through some uncomfortable and messy waters. It will be worth it in the end, and I need to approach it like I would if I were talking to someone else. I am no different than others that I care about. I deserve the same kind of pep talks, conversations, and self-recognition.
We are always harder on ourselves than we are to others. And we need to afford the same grace that we would otherwise express to our own individual selves. We are worth it.
Comments
I love that you are trying to see both sides/other perspectives. I love that you’re writing this all out to help yourself better understand what’s going on. I feel like perhaps you might need to see a therapist who could further help you figure these things out.
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Oh yeah, my therapist Jean is on speed dial lol.
That’s a lot of thought going on in your mind. I hope you can sort things out and feel lighter.
We should positively deal with all the stress and worries we deal with everyday. If you seem cant take all, retreat and hibernate for a while and after you gained enough strength face the problem.
I feeling your vibe here! I’ve felt like plenty of times when I’ve been buried under the to-do list! I try and get some self-care (even just a 30 min nap on the sofa while the kids play) to recharge and get my mind back in the game. Good luck!
I am so sorry about your birthday party. That had to be so hurtful. I do have just a few close friends. But that has been good for me. I heard one time that having a few good friends is better than having a lot of general friends. But I also feel that finding those couple really close friends is something that can be elusive. I think that the landscape of friendship has changed a lot over the years. For whatever reason it seems that most people are not able to get beyond their own lives to help and be a part of other’s lives as well.
You are definitely not shitty. Yes, I can relate to this post in more than one ways. At one point I thought I was a shitty wife, then I had a conversation with my husband and he’s the shitty one. Lol
Well, I hear you. Even I dont have friends too. I also see both the sides and understand that… I have no one to celebrate my birthday. Having close friends is really a bliss..
I think we all feel this way at some point or another especially now that we’re all cooped up or still obsessing over the crazy that ha swept the world. Hugs.
Hi there Kristyn. We have not met. But if it helps I had the same feelings. I felt the same. Like I am the odd one out. No one considers me as their friend and etc.
One thing I can say to you. Live your life. Very few people would be coming unconditionally into your life. Rest, don’t expect them to stay. Our closest, our parents don’t live forever. Learning to being alone and enjoying it is the sole answer to all problems. Otherwise we would be too dependent on others presence. Life is way too important to get wasted. ?
I can relate to this post so much. I think it’s great that you can see both sides of a situation.
You know, I have those feelings too! I feel like it happens to me every few years as life changes and evolves, so do our friends. The good ones will always be there for you, but it is a mutual relationship which is often very hard to achieve given your situation! I find if I can’t see my friends, I at least call them to check-in and sometimes I even write down what we talked about so I can call them to follow up on their audition or big presentation. It helps!
My, you’ve had a difficult week. These are difficult times and I have had some of the same feelings you have. Persevere as things will get better.
This has been an interesting read, I’m glad you took note of different points of view. Glad you shared this with us, thank you!
There are lots of things going in your mind. And looks like you are managing very well. And I really love this that your shared with all of us.
Venting helps anxiety somehow, and I admire your courage to share these things
I can totally relate to this. I question these things almost daily.
Am glad you shared your own experience and feelings with us..indeed this blog post is very deep and heart touching..Having no close friend is really very hard to deal with…friendship is like a blessing and even if you have a single but trustable friend than that’s really enough..Be positive it will heal you lot…
Even though you may not have a friend like Susan, you have us to read your thoughts and say a prayer for your happiness and contentment. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Our lives are so different to our parents’ lives 30 years ago, and although we don’t each have a Susan to fall back on, we find other ways to de-stress and cope. Chin up and take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day.
Oh yeah, we all need to be selfish now and then. It’s okay to say no. I find as I get older I don’t have as much patience for nonsense.
Yeah I dont have friends either. Forming relationships these days are so hard.
That is a lot to handle for sure. I am hoping your basement project is back on track and I understand totally about your husbands back as my husband has issues at times too. Hope you are doing OK and enjoyed reading!
From what I’ve read, I think that you are overthinking things and maybe create issues that aren’t really issues, if that makes sense. You are not a bad mother just because you lost your temper, you are not selfish because you wish your husband would help, and I am sure that you do have friends who care about you, even if they are not Susan.
That’s a lot of thoughts to handle. Hoping you can feel lighter when you sort things out 🙂
I too am harder on myself. We have to learn to give ourselves grace on a daily basis.
ha..ha..ha. I like the title of this post. We all have Susans in our life and we can pour out whatever we want to share with her. Maybe, she can analyze things for us.
I think the most important thing is to be your own best friend. Enjoy the people as they are sometimes having expectations doesn’t allow them to share their true selves! That’s just my opinion. Your mom’s friends sound amazing!
Do agree with your idea of being your own best friend…Coz the more we understand ourself the more we will grow…?
What an interesting post. I’m lucky in that I have a few friends that I’ve been friends with my whole life. I don’t have a lot, but those that I do I feel completely comfortable with. Normally I like to keep to myself, but lately I’ve been meeting quite a few new people that are now becoming friends too. I think that as I’m getting older (I’m 45), I care less about what other people think of me and am so much more myself and more open to others than I was when I was younger.
I can completely relate. I feel like as adults things aren’t as easy like having legitimate friends that are around for youor you’re there for them for certain things. There are people out there like that, but it just takes time to meet them.
This is so relatable. It’s OK to be selfish sometimes. We’re only human
xoxo
Lovely
http://mynameislovely.com
I just love to read your blog about friendship. It makes the world go round. When you find your best friend you found a pearl in the world. I just a caution, because when you lose it, its like loosing yourself too. I saw one friend who experience this and I hate to see this on earth.
Virtually hugging you. Having friends and maintain friendship is never easy. Friends are a blessing
Children will always compare their mothers to other mothers they perceive are better. It’s only when they grow up that they realise how much we’ve done for them. There is always one child that will argue about everything.
Girl, you are supposed to be your own best friend and love yourself the way that you deserve to be loved. If you don’t yell and discipline your kids they will fall off the grid so keep yelling at them. Sorry about your husbands back. Maybe yoga can help to relieve some of his pains. God bless you. You are so beautiful. Keep slaying. You got this!!!
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This comment just made my day. Thank you!
Sometimes you also have friends that are not really your friends. It’s important to find one or two really good friends. On the lookout for that myself right now.
YOu need to take it easy on yourself. As a Mom myself, I get where you are coming from. I do the same thing but we all need to remember that as long as we are doing the best we can, we are doing good.
When I was younger, I had hundreds of friends, my room was always packed! Not so much now lol
I love everything about this article. Female friends are hard to find!
I love that your are in tuned with your emotions and that your friend has be undoubtedly great within your life. Be gentle to yourself!!!!?
I agree with a lot of your points in this article! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Being the best human possible is a bit difficult. I love reading this post, thank you!
I love this article girl. Sometimes it is not possible to see in the number of friends who is true and who is not. True friends are really hard to find.
This was a wonderful and motivational post. I love how in tune you are with yourself.
I can relate to a lot of these. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I am sorry to hear about everything that is going on. This is a very inspirational video.
I too have never had friends and somehow always asked this question that why can’t I have that special someone who is with me in times of happiness and sadness both. I used to feel a little jealous also when I saw my other friends having such best friends, but slowly I have learnt to love myself and my family is like my best friend.
I think its great that you have so much going through your mind and you can write it out and think through it.
Really interesting perspective, it’s great to be self-reflective.
This is a great read. I love the perspective and it’s made me think about a lot.
You have raised some great questions..often I wonder about the same.
This is really an interesting post. I love that you try to see both sides of perspectives. Thanks for sharing it.