Reflections Of My Life As A Badass

Reflections Of My Life As A Badass

Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)

Almost exactly a year ago, I took a giant leap of faith and turned in my resignation to the job that I held for the better part of a decade.

With that act, I walked away from a sizeable income and benefits. My steady paycheck would no longer be there.

And I had nothing to take its place.

I had no new job to fill the gap. There were no prospects on the horizon.

However, I was ready to take the plunge and be my own boss. I came to the realization that my dreams were not going to be achieved by me sitting in a cubicle for nine hours a day.

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.”

John A. Shedd

And here I am, a year later. And what do I have to say for myself?

I am a badass.

In the period of time that I have been without a steady income, I have had many reflections of my life. I remember right out of the gate feeling like I had to prove to everyone that I wasn’t a failure. I set crazy financial goals for myself to make “x” amount of money per month freelancing. During the day I would try to squeeze work into any second of the day that I could, whether it be doing random gig work or submitting freelance pitches and proposals.

At the beginning, I felt I had something to prove.

Not even to myself, I knew I could do it. I knew that I would thrive in this environment. However, I had a “keeping up with the Jones'” mentality about things. Even though I didn’t often feel like that previously, I now felt a huge need to show up as such.

How ridiculous is it to not have that mentality during your regularly scheduled life, until right when you quit your job?

Passion first, and everything else will fall into place.”

Holly Holm

It took time for my brain and emotions to slow down. After having a few months of achieving the goals that I set forth, I began to breathe a bit more. The further I was removed from my old work mindset, the better off I was mentally. It took a lot of time for me to come to the realization that I wasn’t the person that others took me as in that realm. Whereas they had the frame of mind that my strengths were actually weaknesses, I knew that to not be the case. I could settle into my own truth and work to build up my internal strength and confidence, that had been nearly depleted during my tenure at the previous company.

Shortly before I quit, I was in a counseling session with my therapist. She had heard many stories of what I dealt with at work over the years, but more so in the sessions surrounding my decision. Finally, she asked me if I knew what gaslighting was.

I didn’t.

gaslighting

1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. (per the Google)

She told me that everything I told her pointed to that. The things I was blamed for, the issues I was facing. All of it I knew not to be true but was struggling internally to believe that it wasn’t. In reality, they were gaslighting me. For what reason? I have no idea. I have my thoughts and opinions, but those are just my own. There isn’t any proof of any of it.

But still. Just knowing that term and having someone else tell me their thoughts about it was calming. I knew then that I was making the best decision by escaping the toxicity that I was in.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.”

Rocky Balboa

In one of the many reflections of my life, I connected with a woman who runs an organization for women in the workforce. She said that my feelings of low self-esteem and decreased confidence is all too common. Quite often she works with those in situations just like mine that have to truly heal from the experience that they were in.

That’s exactly what I had to do. I had to heal.

And I needed to heal on my own terms, in my own time. How long did this take? Well honestly, it’s still going on in some capacity. But I can say that the strong, independent Kristyn that once was is definitely on her way back.

In the past year, I have proved – to myself, most importantly – that I am a badass. Seriously and truthfully. I took a giant leap, and even though I knew I would succeed, I was still anxious about it. But I conquered this past year. Even during the difficult times, my faith that God was guiding me to greatness stuck with me. And he helped me to be my best.

“It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.”

Howard Ruff

I didn’t rock this year because I completed a certain amount of projects. My year was triumphant because of everything I learned and everything that I accomplished internally.

A year ago I felt like an imposter in my own line of work. Now, I know that I knew my stuff and was just being suppressed by those around me. Today, I have proven to myself that I am worthy of people’s time and energy.

Especially my own.

One year ago, I hated far too many people in my life. I never wanted to hate anyone, but it was a very real situation that I found myself in. Far too frequently I lost sleep over my deep anger towards those that I thought of as friends who had proven otherwise. Many tears were shed over the pain that it caused me. Now, I know that I am in a better place than they are. Today, I have learned how to take full advantage of the life I was given. No longer am I spending an extreme amount of emotional energy stressing over deadlines and the opinions of others. Instead, I have confidence in my own being and feel for those who aren’t able to accomplish the level of happiness and self-pride that I have for myself.

Just a year ago, I found myself sitting in meetings where I was asked for my opinion but was not able to actually express it. And it wasn’t just me, it was my colleagues as well. Being in a situation where verbally you are asked for your thoughts but internally you know that the question is just being asked to check off a box, and really you are shooting yourself in the foot if you speak up? Yeah, that sucks. Now, I am not afraid to speak my truth. Today I am able to write and converse about the issues that I have gone through with professionalism and direct conversation. Because seriously, nothing is more annoying than taking 10 minutes to say that you are unhappy with a certain situation because you have to sugar coat and beat around the bush regarding every detail.

It’s one thing to try to be nice, it’s another to drag it on.

In the reflections of my life, I see everything that I have accomplished to better myself from the inside out. The person that I was before wasn’t healthy in any capacity. Mentally, emotionally, physically – I was torn apart in every aspect. I wasn’t given appropriate avenues to grow, or even to trust. My thoughts and opinions were pushed aside because of my title and salary grade.

“I am thankful for all of those who said NO to me. It’s because of them I’m doing it myself.”

Albert Einstein

One year into my dream-achieving adventure and I can truly say it. I’m a badass. To achieve the things that I have, to put my emotional health first and make my life happy again, that is an amazing feat to have achieved. Obviously, with all things and all components of life, everything ebbs and flows and changes. And who knows what the next year will bring. However, I do know that I have had one hell of an amazing year that will catapult me even further in success for many more to come.