How To Build Confidence In Children
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Last year was my daughter’s first year in public school. She was a brand new Pre-K student.
A few months into the year, the teacher told me that she was concerned about my daughter’s confidence level. She felt that she wasn’t speaking up enough during group times and mentioned that she would act like she didn’t know the answers to questions asked of her when she definitely did.
Obviously, this didn’t sit well with me. Nothing in me wanted my daughter to struggle as I had. I had done a few things throughout the years to make sure her heart and head were in a good place, but it apparently wasn’t enough.
I had to figure out ways to get her confidence where it needed to be. We all knew that she had the intellect and ability, but she needed the internal strength to show it to the world.
What I do now to ensure she has that are a few different things, and I want to share the ones that work best for our little girl. This is in hopes that it will help another little one out there as well!
How To Build Confidence In Children
I Do Not Rescue Her
I know this reads horribly. What mother doesn’t run to help their child? Rest assured, this does not happen during any emergency situations. The times that I am speaking of are during the moments where I believe she can accomplish what she says she can’t, but doesn’t want to be patient enough to figure it out.
Case in point, there is something just out of her reach in the refrigerator. She asks me to come help. Knowing that she can figure out a solution, I tell her that I am busy with something but will come when I can. I then encourage her to try to figure it out until I can get there. In just a few minutes I hear a triumphant cheer. She has taken the initiative to get a chair from her art table to stand on and is able to get the snack she wants. And she is absolutely thrilled with her accomplishment.
“Nothing is particularly hard if you break it down into small jobs.”
Henry Ford
We Talk Through Scary Situations
My daughter went through a period where everything scared her. All kinds of bugs, the dark, new places, and people. Among many others. It was starting to become an issue because we would run into it so frequently. At times we would sit down to dinner and a fly would buzz into the room. The entire meal was interrupted by a screaming child acting like she was being assaulted by the tiny, harmless insect.
We needed for it to change. I began having conversations about why things were scary, asking one question and letting her talk. It would start with something basic like: “Why is that scary to you?” And then listen for her response. The conversation would continue from there and we would discuss the situation and break it down so she understood it on a level that was more easily digestible to her.
“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
Margaret Mead
This really helped when it came to school. We talked at length about what would happen when she got to school, what time I would pick her up, what our evening plans were, etc. Once she didn’t want to go to school because they were learning something that was hard. We sat down and talked it out and had a conversation about why it was important to do hard things and help our brain to grow.
This is something I previously didn’t take the time to do. But I now realize how important it is in learning how to build confidence in children.
“No one is perfect – that’s why pencils have erasers.”
Wolfgang Riebe
I Encourage Bravery
And I use that exact word – bravery. We got an inflatable water slide for the backyard this summer. After we blew it up for the first time and got it all set up, I could tell that there was some anxiety in using the actual slide portion with my daughter. She stayed in the little wading pool area and just peered up to the slide every once in a while.
They had just covered the topic of what bravery is in school, so I decided to tap into her learnings. I yelled over to her: “Show me your bravery on the slide!” With that, she looked up one more time to assess the structure and climbed up. Without any additional hesitation, she slid right down. The smile on her face was award winning!
We Read Books And Talk About Them
In the same frame as talking about why things are scary, I started bringing more books into our library that spoke about things like confidence, courage, bravery, and strength. As we read the books together I make relevant commentaries in regards to situations my own daughter has been a part of or will be a part of. I do this to try to correlate the story to real life situations that she routinely encounters.
Afterwards, I ask her how she feels about the book. At times there’s additional conversation, but just as often there isn’t. However, in the days and weeks that follow I bring the stories up as appropriate, and she also talks about situations that are similar as she encounters them.
I would be remiss if I didn’t say that writing my newest book “Be Strong, Beautiful, Smart, and Brave” wasn’t a result of this exact situation. In a world like this, having more books on the market to support confidence in our young children isn’t a bad thing.
There are also a lot of parenting books on the market surrounding how to build confidence in children that are worthy of checking out!
“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”
Madeleine L’Engle
I Encourage Independence
I am absolutely that parent who wants nothing to do with my children growing up. Every year around her birthday, I ask my daughter to just stay the age she is, that I don’t want her to be the next age. The time just goes so fast, and I don’t want it to!
But for the sake of my daughter’s wellbeing, I needed to back down and allow for some independence. I decided to teach her how to do things on her own that she often relied on me for. We started with the toaster and making her own toast. She already could make her own sandwiches, but using kitchen equipment was a BIG deal to her!
Then we moved on to the microwave. First, I showed her the correct buttons to use and gave her a safety rundown on what not to do. I made sure she understood that she was only to use it when I was awake (she’s an early riser) and what items were allowed to go in it.
And just like that, it was like she grew two years just by teaching her those two things.
One day I was working upstairs and she came to tell me that her little brother was hungry and thirsty. “But it’s okay!” she was quick to tell me. It was okay because she had gotten him some milk in his sippy cup and made him a piece of Nutella toast.
She saw a problem. Then she analyzed the situation.
And she solved the issue.
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
Denis Waitley
At the next school conference….
The comments were completely different. My little girl was speaking up more. She was advocating for herself. The progress she had made academically was off the charts and the days of not wanting to go to school because they were learning something hard were in the past.
Her confidence was higher and it showed, in so many different ways. Whereas before I was concerned that she would go down the same path that I had, now I know that she is developing the appropriate tools to see herself through any future issues that arise. The time I have taken to learn how to build confidence in children has been worth every second, especially seeing the benefit it has had on my baby girl.
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