Why Do I Want To Cry Every Night?

woman sitting by a window wondering Why Do I Want To Cry Every Night?
Why Do I Want To Cry Every Night?

Why Do I Want To Cry Every Night?

Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)

This is not a title written to induce or suggest dramatics.

No, this is actually the truth.

What I do not want to do with this blog is to only offer the highlight reel.

You’ve seen those – the people who only post pictures and updates when their lives are great and wonderful? Oh, look at this amazing vacation we just took! Look at this fantastic grade my baby just got on her test! Check out this picture of my perfectly manicured lawn with an ample amount of lawn ornaments, arranged in a tasteful fashion!

You get the picture. They have perfect lives and they want people to know it.

Or, in what is their actual reality – they do not have the perfect life but they want others to think they do.

There was this woman that I idolized a few years back. Her life was, in my eyes, picture perfect. I wanted everything that she had. Perfect children, perfect job, perfect life. I talked about her all the time.

And then, in the past few years, I realized that there’s no way that her life could be that great. I mean, I’m sure that her life is wonderful, but always 100% amazing and flawless? Probably not.

I started looking at her posts and conversations differently. What wasn’t she saying? What other things were going on that I wasn’t privy to?

After I had this realization, I actually got a little bit mad. Almost like I was being lied to by her, even though I had no right to be mad about it. And she wasn’t lying. I’m sure her life is fantastic, in certain ways. But I am positive there are many components that aren’t so fantastic too. But for whatever reason, people don’t ever share that.

Well, I am not going to be that person. I am not going to paint a fake picture of what is going on in my life. I fully intend to celebrate the successes and the shortcomings, as well as the failures. How can I possibly help people learn from my mistakes if I only ever share what I did right? Or what plan went swimmingly?

I can’t.

Last week, I was hiding in my bedroom. It was around 9PM and I was exhausted from the day that I had. Life with an office job and life working from home full time with kids are two completely different scenarios. One involves getting the kids and yourself ready and sending them off in one direction while you go in another one.

Without kids.

And without responsibility for said kids.

Working from home with your children full time is a different story entirely from the one above. I have worked from home with my kids plenty of times, but not routinely until now. When it’s once or twice a week, watching some extra TV throughout the day so that Mommy can work is acceptable. When it’s every day, that is not. You have to take breaks to play with them and not neglect them. You have to find projects to occupy their time. Patience has to be had, or everything crumbles.

This has been a huge learning curve for me. And so, last week, as I was sitting in my bed – tears threatening to flow out at any moment, I googled:

Why Do I Want To Cry Every Night?

I couldn’t understand it. I needed to though.

As I told my husband, I start the day with the best of intentions. I have a sense of calmness and patience. The mornings are great. It’s the evenings where I lose my shit. Patience is gone, calmness is out the window. Mommy is ready to clock out.

And I think for the most part this is normal, but I didn’t want it to be like this. I quit my job to be able to be in this situation, and I want to enjoy it.

I realize my days are much too regimented. I’m a list-maker and scheduler through and through and that’s the direction I took when I embarked on this journey. But my days were getting monotonous and I had nothing to look forward to. It was the same things every day. That had to change.

I pushed myself to be more relaxed during the day.

This leap was taken to enjoy my babies, and that’s what I need to do. I forced myself to take spontaneous breaks to snuggle during the day, or to put together puzzles. I decided that story time sucked and I didn’t want to force the toddler to go anymore (I always had to bribe him with suckers to listen anyway). Instead, we went to visit the oldest child for breakfast one day last week and got to see his apartment. We have been enjoying the cooler weather with time outside and I even took a nap with him last week!

If I don’t get everything accomplished during the day, I can always wrap it all up when my husband is home to watch the kids. But honestly, it hasn’t turned to that. I’ve still been able to accomplish everything during the day, but with less stress and more happiness. And no evening tears. 😉

After I changed things around, I randomly listened to Sophie Kinsella’s “My Not So Perfect Life” while in the car for many hours. I have had this book forever but just now listened to it. It reaffirmed everything I was thinking and gave me more inspiration to live my life this way.

Also I have learned that Blippi has episodes in both Spanish and German. So that counts as educational if I play those versions for my kids. Right? Right.

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