I Am A Failure But I Think It’s Okay

I Am A Failure But I Think It’s Okay

Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)

There are a lot of things that I have accomplished in my life, in my almost 35 years. And there are a lot of things that I have set out to do and have come up short. For a long time, I have felt horrible about that. I have felt like I let people down and been a disappointment to those around me. I find myself wondering what my kids will think of me in the future when they learn of these things. Even questioning if my husband harbors resentment towards me for not following through on my plans and dreams.

In the past 11 months, I have struggled to come to terms with all of this. I knew that I couldn’t go back and change the past, that is never an option. I also knew that the chances of me fulfilling these things in the future wasn’t likely either. So what is left after that? Be pissed at myself indefinitely? Say eff it to the world and move on? Skip town and move to the Galapagos to avoid the judgment?

I Am A Failure But I Think It’s Okay

All of those are viable options, but what I ultimately found myself turning to is radical acceptance. You’ll probably remember that I utilized this a few months ago when I was dealing with pestering emotions related to my son and dad. You just get to a point where you know there is nothing more that you can do to remedy the situation and that you have to accept that the situation is what it is for a reason. Perhaps things will change later, and that would be great. But maybe they won’t, and that will be okay too.

I had to take the time to grieve these things that I left behind to be able to move forward. For me, there are two in particular that are in my heart. I have to say goodbye to them.

I Am A Failure But I Think It’s Okay

First was the business that I had founded in 2010 – Adopt Culture. This business was the result of my realization that a need was out there to show the importance of adopted children retaining their birth culture. During my time in foster care and adoption I saw that children are almost expected to “be white” just because they are being adopted by white parents. I went on to read a lot on the subject.

I felt very strongly, and still do, that this is a serious issue that needs more attention brought to it. I tried on several different occasions to build the business and move it forward, but each time life would get in the way. Whether it was school, or parenthood, or 16 weeks of morning sickness or just a busy season of life, it seemed to always fall to the wayside.

I Am A Failure But I Think It’s Okay

The next one was Social Work in general.

I spent years in school to get the degree, got high honors upon graduation, and then put in only two years of solid Social Work. TWO YEARS.

I got burned out very quickly and had no desire to keep going in the field. When I left my job in foster care/adoption, one of the supervisors pulled me to the side and said: “Don’t come back. People leave for a reason, but then they get amnesia and think they can handle it again. Don’t be like that. Go in a different direction.” She was right, I knew that I didn’t want to be a “lifer”. The ones there forever look so worn out. I didn’t want my life to get to that point. And I also knew that navigating that career with children, which I definitely wanted, would be quite difficult. I did not have the ability to turn my work brain off when I got home. I mentally and emotionally took work home with me every night.

But still, a piece of my heart is in Social Work. Without it, I would never have my oldest son.

I hate that I just left it in the dust.

In order to find peace about these situations, I have to pretty much forgive myself and give a personal reminder that I am still here to do great things, even if those aren’t two of the things.

I didn’t quit doing those things because I wanted to, I did it because I had to. I know that I couldn’t get Adopt Culture off the ground because I was being pulled in different directions and couldn’t devote enough attention to it. Putting a half-assed effort into the mission wasn’t going to have the impact that I wanted. I also knew that Social Work wasn’t the path that would be best for me in the future. This isn’t something that I would have known while in college. I had to be in the field and see this for myself. Even with not being in that work any longer, I still have the knowledge that I gained, nothing can take that from me. And I know that I am a better person with that knowledge, even if I’m not active in that field.

So did I fail? Kind of.

You can paint it that way.

But even so, it’s okay.

I’m not less of a person because I didn’t fulfill these goals. If anything I’m a better person for at least trying.

Someday my children will know of my unfulfilled goals, and they may have some of their own. I will be sure to tell them that this is part of the journey of life and that there are always going to be times that you just don’t know unless you try. What’s the worst that can happen? You fail? What happens when you fail? You learn. You learn what went wrong. Figuring out why it happened and what can be done differently come to you too.

Failure is not something to be afraid of. Failure is something to welcome. I hope that my kids take after their mom and fail at a few things. I just hope that they have the mentality, that I will work to instill in them, that it’s okay.