Mom to Mom: This Is An Emotional Shit Show
Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)
Last night, I was falling asleep in my bed. I had a sleeping baby cuddled in front of me on the verge of sleep himself, and a toddler cuddled up to my back with her arm around me. We were all nice and cozy in the wonderfully air conditioned room. I was thinking: this is what life is all about. All about these moments. You, reflecting on how wonderful your life is. Knowing the reason for your existence is right there next to you. And you are blessed. Idyllic, right?
And then the baby head-butted me. Right between the eyes. Hard.
Mom to Mom: This Is An Emotional Shit Show
And that’s life. No, seriously. That is how my life is. I have these “aha” moments where I am able to feel good about the place I’m in. Then God shouts “PLOT TWIST” and something different takes shape. Whether it’s a baby head-butting me, not so great feedback on my work that I wasn’t expecting, car repairs that sneak up, etc. Or Offred going back to the Waterford’s after giving birth on The Handmaid’s Tale (SERIOUSLY?!)
And yes, those are pretty surface level issues.
We are all healthy, we are all happy (for the most part). We are safe and have what we need to live and thrive. I’m not trying to make my issues out to be detrimental to my existence, because they are very much #firstworldproblems. However, when they pile up, as they like to do, it just becomes exhausting. Especially when you couple those with everything that is going on in the world, much of which IS detrimental. Then you just start to lose sight of the important things.
I have been working the past month on staying present and also letting go of things I can’t control. And for the most part I have done great. I have even found new ways to keep improving on those tasks. Instead of charging my phone at night while I sleep, I now put it on the charger when I get home from work. That way I’m not distracted by it during the few hours each evening that I have with my kids and I’m able to be even more present with them. I’ve also turned my IDGAF meter up a tad (don’t google that, Grandma) when it comes to certain life circumstances. Then it’s easier for me to let go if I don’t care as much. And it’s easier for me to enjoy my life when I don’t feel a constant need to care about those things.
Even so, things set you back. Even for a small period of time.
Now, did I go into a depressed funk when the baby head-butted me last night? No, I actually just laughed at the irony that it provided. But I have had a few instances the past few weeks where I just have to sit for a bit and try to calm down from all the little things that have piled on. When it’s one thing, it’s a blip. But when it’s somewhere in the ballpark of six different things in the span of just a few days, it’s deflating.
So I have been struggling a bit. My confidence level plummeted for most of the past week. My energy level was not very high. Even my patience was thin. I just wanted life to be the nice, predictable picture that I thought I had just a few days earlier. But that wasn’t the path that I was on.
And then I just stopped. I literally told myself that this wasn’t getting me anywhere in life – and what did I really want to get out of these years I have on earth? Did I want to devote whole days to being down in the dumps over what are actually minute details in the grand scheme of my life? What am I gaining from that? Is there benefit to me in that? What is it to my kids? To my husband? To my house that gets even dirtier from neglect during these times?
There is none.
So I went back to what had worked. Staying present. Outside of that spontaneous nap on the couch last night while the children played. Dialing that meter back up to where it had been, looking for ways to boost up my self-confidence again.
So in that vein, I have realized that the third thing that I will be working on in my 34th year of existence is to weather the storm in productive ways. Bumps in the road are something always coming my way. They are guaranteed to come everybody’s way – so don’t feel left out, you’ll get them too. And it’s expected to be frustrated when you are confronted with them, but they don’t need to be viewed as catastrophic. In fact, they most likely are a message. It’s most likely that the vision you had for yourself is not the vision that was to be your reality, and that’s powerful to think about.
I think that if I can try to hold onto that message, that this is coming my way for a reason, it will be easier to handle.
It’s the actively working to hold onto that message that will be the most difficult.
But as I learn to hold on to that message, I will still have a baby to hold and cuddle (hopefully sans-injury), a toddler to swim and play with, a husband who is always up for an adventure, and numerous family and friends who are a phone call or text message away. All of this because my life is indeed full, and even in the face of numerous blips, my foundation stays the same.