Fear Of Being Forgotten: Loss and Confidence
Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)
It’s coming up on the hardest part of the year for me. That would be the anniversary of my mom’s death. Each time it comes up I just think that it has been x amount of years (this year marks 8) since I hugged her. And how long that’s been without her touch.
It makes me realize that I didn’t hug her near as much as I should have when I was able.
It’s also made me reflect on my own personal feelings of death as I have gone through the years. It’s no secret that I suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and that death has always been a trigger for me.
“Just as when we come into the world, when we die we are afraid of the unknown. But the fear is something from within us that has nothing to do with reality. Dying is like being born: just a change”
Isabel Allende
But as odd as it is, it’s actually gotten easier through the past few years for me to grasp. Both death and the fear of being forgotten.
I do need to put this disclaimer in, and this is one of my OCD traits, so you’re just gonna have to bear with me. But I read before that Heath Ledger once made a statement that he felt more comfortable with death after having a child because his daughter would be able to pass on his legacy.
And then he died shortly after making that statement.
It is not my desire to have that happen to me, nor is that the reason why I feel differently about death now, but I needed to get that out in the open.
Also, I can’t find proof anywhere that he actually said that, so I may have made it up in my head at some point.
/end OCD moment.
“I have seen many cases like N. during the five years I’ve been in practice. I sometimes picture these unfortunates as men and women being pecked to death by predatory birds. The birds are invisible – at least until a psychiatrist who is good, or lucky, or both, sprays them with his version of Luminol and shines the right light on them – but they are nevertheless very real. The wonder is that so many OCDs manage to live productive lives, just the same. They work, they eat (often not enough or too much, it’s true), they go to movies, they make love to their girlfriends and boyfriends, their wives and husbands . . . and all the time those birds are there, clinging to them and pecking away little bits of flesh.”
Stephen King
Anyway, death used to petrify me. Thinking about not being here to walk the earth, to be a part of everyone’s lives, not being able to experience all of life’s opportunities. When I thought of all that, I would begin to spiral into a high anxiety state. Being diagnosed with OCD makes it even worse. At times I would find myself unable to function and would almost be frozen in fear, due to the idea of being forgotten. Just the thought would take away my ability to do anything other than focus on that topic, which unfortunately is the obsessive part of the diagnosis.
And it wasn’t just that.
Up until recently, I was always afraid of life going on without me in it. In that, if I were to pass away, I would have just been a blip on someone’s radar and not a substantial addition to their lives.
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Mark Twain
There have been so many instances in my life where I have become worried and depressed over thinking that I didn’t really matter that much to anyone. In my mind, my husband wouldn’t lose much if I were gone. My oldest son has another mother anyway, my youngest children probably wouldn’t remember much of me due to their age.
I wouldn’t be remembered. I would just be a passing image in photos, and nothing more. Just forgotten. Not even a memory.
When I was pregnant with my son, I sat in one of my emergency counseling sessions with my therapist. This was because I was having an extra bad day of feeling as though my death was imminent and I would never actually get to meet this baby I was carrying. She did this technique with me where she would ask me questions and I would respond without thinking – I would just blurt out what was on my mind at that very moment.
During one part, she asked me: “what is your biggest fear about dying?”
And I blurted out: “that my daughter is too young to remember anything about me!”
I lost it so badly after that question that we had to stop the session so that I could get half a box of Kleenex worth of tears out.
Typing that out makes it feel and sound ridiculous, but I actually learned that it is a true phobia that people have, the fear of being forgotten. It’s called Athazagoraphobia and it’s more common than you think.
I actually had an awakening about it as the years ticked by after my mom’s death. It took over five years, but I started to realize:
Nobody is forgetting HER, so why do I fear that they will forget ME?
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
Mitch Albom
But also, taking the initiative to switch career paths did a lot for me too. Now I can put my thoughts and learnings out into the open and am creating a legacy for myself. If Heaven forbid, something happened to me tomorrow, my children would be able to find all of my work online now and for many years to come. They would have the ability to turn to it when they needed it most. Because of all of that, they will know my heart and have advice as needed in large quantities.
“Even though your time on the job is temporary, if you do a good enough job, your work there will last forever.”
Idowu Koyenikan
Even if they don’t have a lot of physical memories of me due to their young age, they will be able to create them with the legacy I have left behind
“Write what should not be forgotten.”
Isabel Allende
And that gives me such peace and calmness. I won’t be forgotten.
If something were to happen to me, I’ll still be here, just in a different way. The fear of being forgotten isn’t something I need to worry about.
In addition to that revelation, I have come to the realization that I am important.
It seems so simple, but it was anything but. For so many years I thought that memories of me would be like the wind, and just float on by without a second thought. I remember a very clear moment in time when my oldest really loved to argue with me about anything he could. If I happened to look out the window while driving for longer than what he deemed appropriate, I would be accused of not caring about his safety, not caring about him, and ultimately not loving him due to that action.
This happened so much, and my mental health took a huge toll. Obviously, there were other issues at play because of adoption and such, but I truly couldn’t take it anymore. I remember being in a parking lot with him and he started drilling into me about something and I just started sobbing. He was still going on and on and I could not turn off the waterworks. I think I even started hitting my head against the steering wheel. At that moment I truly felt that I was no good to anyone around me anymore. I felt like there were no positive traits to me. If there were, then surely my own child would love me more than he did? I was being told daily, sometimes several times a day, how horrible of a person I was. And I believed it. I didn’t even try to defend myself anymore.
I didn’t try to defend myself, because I had nothing to come back with.
“You are important. You are loved. Somebody needs you. Don’t give up.”
Nitya Prakash
My view of myself wasn’t one of importance or one that was good. What I saw was a person who was wasting space on this planet and negatively impacting people more than I was benefiting them. I was a shell and nothing more. Growing up, all I cared about was being a mother. I had failed at the thing I wanted most in my life. The life was drained out of my marriage as a result of the emotional toll I was getting hit with due to parenting. I had alienated any friends that I had because I had no additional strength to put into anything else. Financially, we were struggling with everything we had taken on in such a short period of time.
I couldn’t come up for air. Whatever way I looked I saw problems. Nothing felt happy, nothing felt positive.
I felt like a huge, giant burden on the world. It wasn’t a fear of being forgotten at this point, more just a fear of being no added benefit to those around me.
“…a lot of people never find the person God created them to be. They’re too busy trying to live up to other people’s expectations, or they try to create themselves in the image of a person they admire or envy. Just because we respect someone or think their life might be more exciting than ours doesn’t mean God created us to be just like them. Sometimes we have to ignore the people in our lives so we can hear the voice of God…But making a decision to put someone else first out of love isn’t the same thing as putting them first out of fear. Because you’re afraid they won’t love you if you don’t act the way they might want you to.”
Nancy Mehl
At that moment, I dropped my son off at a friend’s house, went home, and called my mom and husband. I told them I needed to go to the hospital.
And I did. Followed by a week of outpatient psychiatric care.
All of which is a much longer story for another day, but my point is that I didn’t see why I mattered. To literally anyone around me. Had I seen that, I think I would have been stronger. My mind and emotions would have had something to fall back on when I felt like all was lost.
I wish that someone had told me to dig inside to see my worth. But not then.
If I had done it then it would have done nothing for me. At that time I was too deep in the hole. Instead, I wish that someone had taught me the practice of routinely seeing what I brought to the table. If I had this in place before going into such a messy life phase, I think I would have navigated it in a healthier way. But as it was, I went through it all feeling like I truly added nothing to the lives of those around me.
If I could re-do my early 20’s, I would force myself to get into a self-care routine. Not one that costs money, because that’s not something anyone has a lot of at that age. But one that would make me see that I truly am an asset to the world. In the past few months, I have been taking the time to write down at least three things that I am grateful for every day. What if I had done that years before, but with reasons why I mattered?
If today I could go back in time and write down three things to that sobbing adoptive mom in the parking lot to tell her why she mattered, it would go like this:
- You bring opportunity and hope to those who need it most.
- You love unconditionally, and without boundaries.
- The world benefits from all the good you bring to it.
“If you’re not reaching back to help anyone then you’re not building a legacy.”
Germany Kent
Would that girl have listened to that list right then? Maybe, maybe not.
Like I said, I was in a pretty deep hole at the time that took a lot of work to get out of. But if that girl had told herself those things, or variations of those things, every day for years? My confidence would have been in a better place, as well as my self-esteem. I would have been better equipped to handle the punches that came at me, even with their intense frequency.
“No matter how dysfunctional your background, how broke or broken you are, where you are today, or what anyone else says, YOU MATTER, and your life matters!”
Germany Kent
All in all, please know that every person in this world matters in some way to somebody. Each and every one of us brings something great. It’s not often that we hear these things from others, so we need to get into the habit of reminding ourselves. We are the ones responsible for our personal well-being, and we know ourselves best. Taking the time to bring to light the greatness that we possess is critical to our emotional well-being and needs to be highlighted frequently.
Do not fear that you will be forgotten. There is much inside of you that will forever be missed.
Remind yourself and others of that.
We deserve that. You deserve that. I deserve that.
Oh hey! How are you liking that free workbook/coloring book?
Excuse me, I think I misheard you….
It sounded like you said you don’t have it yet?
What?! You did say that! Oh no, we must rectify this right now!
Enter your email below for your free download!
