What If You Had It All?
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Okay, so I am new to the TikTok world. But I have heard this song repeatedly from Justin Bieber, called “Lonely”. If you have not listened to it, here it is:
The snippet that is repeatedly played on TikTok is:
“What if you had it all
But nobody to call?”
And that one quote has had my brain swirling every time that I hear it.
Do you ever get something stuck in your head that just makes your thoughts go in every which way? That’s what is happening here.
I think of so many different things. Four things in particular:
- The song is just so sad in itself. We have all known that child stars struggle, and right here is proof.
- What does it look like if you do “have it all”?
- Are you truly happy if you DO have it all?
- Why exactly is it lonely?
There is so much to unpack here, so let’s start at the beginning.
The Biebs.
So many people are out to judge. And so quickly. Without having the full amount of information. This pertains to so much more than Justin Bieber, and everyone reading this knows that. In a world of headlines, many don’t feel the need to look any further. But the surface level is so much different than what is happening underneath. Details, perspectives, circumstances, all of those things play into it all.
Why is it that us humans cannot realize that?
“When we make judgements we’re inevitably acting on limited knowledge, isn’t it best to ask if we seek to understand, or simply let them be?”
Jay Woodman
I am full-on guilty of doing this exact thing. I have pre-judged so many people in my life. It happens and it shouldn’t. I’m sure that I judged someone yesterday or even today without having all the information to be able to adequately do so. The fact of the matter is that it is impossible to take the time to research every single situation that we come across or hear to get the full set of details. Obviously, I couldn’t pick up my phone and call the Biebs when he would pop up in the news for the things that he had done. It doesn’t work like that.
But that doesn’t give us the right to assume.
Who cares if Entertainment Tonight says that they have a “close source”. And who is that even? His dentist? To conclude, we will never have the full amount of information in any single circumstance in life. So why do we act like we do and judge people for their actions based on that?
I could go down a rabbit hole forever with this, but it’s something that I do far too often (judging others) and for whatever reason, it is just ingrained in me, like it is for many humans out there. I personally need to do better at not reading into things as deeply as I do. Headlines and news articles are one source of information, not all of them.
What Is It?
How do you know if you have it all? If you look in magazines and on TV, it displays a person with a great job, a great body, lots of money, 2.5 kids, a dog, a husband, a spotless house.
“I don’t think anyone can have it all. Who would want it? Having it all sounds like a lot of maintenance. Life is about priorities and choices, not just ones externally imposed on us as women, but ones we are able to define for ourselves.”
Ilyse Hogue
Is that it? Is that just the generic, blanket goal for all women and is that what we need to work towards? What if your all is something completely different? What if you want to stay home and be a housewife? Or maybe you really love Target and want to be a cashier there.
Because the damage I could do with that discount….
But society wouldn’t react well to that, unfortunately. Because society looks at the same magazines and TV shows as I do and sees what you are supposed to dream and aspire to be. That generic goal.
But who are THEY?
They aren’t YOU!
What if YOU had it all?
WHAT would it look like?
“I hate the phrase ‘having it all,’ because it demeans women who do stay home with their children, by implying that their lives are less than full. One of the main goals of the feminist movement is that all women should be able to make the best choices for themselves and their families, and no one should be belittled, degraded, or disregarded because of what she chooses to do.”
Kirsten Gillibrand
I’ve mentioned this before, but my all is having a successful writing career that I do from home. I have a very specific image in mind when I picture it, and it’s not unlike the day I am having today. The windows are open, a nice breeze is coming in. I’m at my desk, sitting in the quiet (albeit temporary quiet) and writing my heart out.
I’m in a house, one that I love. My kitchen is stocked. My family is healthy. Our bills are paid, we have running water and electricity.
How could it get much better than that?
Do I have to be away from my family 40+ hours a week to have it all? I personally don’t. Others feel they do, and that is just fine too. It’s specific to you and your individual wants and needs. I know that there are a lot of people out there that would hate doing what I do. I once told a friend of mine that I was going to a writing conference and she responded by saying: “Well that sounds horrible.”
And I take not one ounce of disrespect from that. I find it hilarious. Everyone loves different things. All people want different things out of their lives. Your all is specific to you.
Take the generic goal that is shoved down our throats and throw it at whoever invented it.
Maybe some women don’t find happiness at home. Maybe some women do find happiness in their careers. Or in unprofitable art. Or in providing for their families. Or in being alone. There isn’t a singular goal for any person—man or woman—and yet feminism has sold us this prepackaged notion of success that, when you open it up, is totally undefined.
Lindy West
Are They Happy?
Those that do “have it all”, are they actually happy? I remember telling my mom when I was little that I would love to be famous. I think all of us wanted that at some point in our lives. And how many kids and teens do we know right now that are trying to accomplish that very thing?
I will never forget her answer, and it was that she wouldn’t be happy if she were famous. I couldn’t understand her logic. You would be on TV, people would vie for your attention. Furthermore, you would have tons of money and your picture would be everywhere.
How could you not be happy?
Well, obviously there are a lot of ways to not be happy in that situation. And it isn’t just limited to celebrity-ness.
Several years ago, I was at a work function. I expected to go to this event and eat good food, have a fun time, and enjoy myself. I didn’t expect to walk away with a reality check slapped across my face.
It happened when I sat down to eat. Families all around me were gathered and laughing together, enjoying the fun event. I then looked to the other side and saw that our CEO was there with her grandchildren. She was sitting there with them, but they were not engaging with her or her with them. The grandchildren were on their phones and grandma was sitting by herself, with nobody around her.
It was a very stark contrast between all the other groups and hers.
And yes, I’m well aware of teenagers and their moods, along with their love of technology. They aren’t the most fun to be with at all times. However, the difference between that subset of people and the rest of those in attendance was day and night.
And it made me think. Because this woman is a person that you would define as “having it all”. A great job that she loved, a family, money, beautiful.
“Telling women that some women ‘have it all’ only makes others feel less-than. I think we all have different struggles and issues…. My mother once said to me, ‘There’s a time to mother, a time to be single, a time to work, a time to volunteer, a time to pray, a time to be active, a time to be, a time to do, a time to talk to yourself, and a time to be quiet.’ …Get up, be grateful, try to center yourself, and try to do your best that day.”
Maria Shriver
But what does that matter, if you are gone all the time?
This woman in particular travels constantly and works probably 100 hours a week. This, unfortunately, was to be a day off for her. But the family work event made her day off non-existent. As a CEO, appearance is everything. And choosing a true day off instead of being at an event designed for employee/family fun wouldn’t have presented in the right way. Maybe she would have felt more comfortable with just her and her grandchildren at her home, watching a movie together.
Perhaps, like a lot of people in her position, she is actually an introvert with an extrovert focused job. Being around a lot of people like that is not fun for her, but she pushes through.
“The secret of having it all is loving it all.”
Joyce Brothers
Her children are grown and raised, but there are new grandchildren in the mix. How can you truly be happy if you can’t enjoy the life that you have been gifted? You have the job that you dreamed about, but then it consumes you. It’s the only thing that you are able to focus on. And it affects the relationships that you value the most, those of your family and loved ones.
As I looked at her, I felt so sad for her. I had her up on a pedestal and had this image in my mind that she was what I should aspire to be. But this scene was now burned into my mind. And I couldn’t shake it.
How would I be completely happy if I were in her shoes?
I don’t think that I could.
What if you had it all as she did? Could you be happy?
It wasn’t too much after that when I changed my vision of happiness and quit my job to be home and write.
“The choice not to have it all, far from being defeatist, is extremely liberating. Slugging through a decade of work but losing touch with your family and friends or with your community creates its own sense of failure.”
Melanie Healy
Why Is It Lonely?
This is why. Everyone is pitted against each other. The stay at home moms versus the working moms. Breastfeeding versus bottle. Organic vs. not. Republican vs. Democrat. Country Life vs. City Life. Soda vs. Pop.
Just kidding on the last one. We all know it’s actually Pop.
You get the picture. All of us have strong opinions one way or the other. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you know what is wrong with it?
That we can’t talk about it.
There are certain things that pertain to my life and my thoughts that I do not share with others. And this isn’t because I am personally ashamed of any of it. In actuality, it’s because I don’t want to have to defend my personal thoughts and opinions.
We can’t share our true selves with anyone. All of us hold back from showing our actual personalities 100% of the time. Honestly, I don’t think there is one person in the world who knows my true political opinions outside of my husband. Not one. I don’t give that information out because there are always people who view you differently or judge you based on conclusions that they draw from your thoughts and opinions.
Thoughts and opinions that you didn’t take lightly when you came to them yourself.
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
Jodi Picoult
And in the case of poor Biebs, he can’t get anyone to understand him either. He is in this whole different world where people don’t see him as an actual human being. He was and still is a figure, someone who is only known from a distance. The ability for him to get close to anyone and share his true being is very difficult. Vulnerability is a great thing until it’s held against you. I could be more vulnerable than I already am and share a lot more than I already do, but it would be mentally and emotionally damaging for myself. And I’m not going to put myself in that position. Therefore, I choose happiness for me and healthiness for my mind.
“Having it all is the worst. No matter how much we all have and how grateful we are for what we have, no one has it all, because we all make tradeoffs every single day, every single minute.”
Sheryl Sandberg
So why don’t we all just back up and focus on genuine emotions and behaviors? Mental health is a huge issue everywhere in the world, and the simplest solution is just to be kinder to one another and refrain from assumption and judgment. Is this something that could be tried out?
And maybe, just maybe, we can get to a place where we can each have our own alls. Perhaps maybe, just maybe, we won’t experience the loneliness that comes with it because people will take off their pre-judgment hats and just treat everyone without assumption.
So what if YOU had it all?
“So what are you going to do? This is the season when a clutch of successful women—who have it all—give speeches to women like you and say, to be perfectly honest, you can’t have it all. Maybe young women don’t wonder whether they can have it all any longer, but in case any of you are wondering, of course you can have it all. What are you going to do? Everything, is my guess. It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications. It will not be anything like what you think it will be like, but surprises are good for you. And don’t be frightened: you can always change your mind. I know: I’ve had four careers and three husbands.”
Nora Ephron
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