Anxiety Help! Spring Showers Bring It Out In Me.

a woman on an outside bridge looking for anxiety help
Anxiety Help! Spring Showers Bring It Out In Me.

Anxiety Help! Spring Showers Bring It Out In Me.

Kristyn Meyer is on a journey to make herself the best human that she can be. These posts are a reflection of that. She welcomes your support via reading and through commissioned affiliate links within her posts! To stay up to date on all of her shenanigans, please subscribe to her email list! (psst…there’s a free gift involved)

I need to use this blog today for the same reason as last time. You know how sometimes you can clear your head and heart by talking to others? In addition, sometimes you can run it out on the treadmill. Moreover, other times a good crying session can fix it. Well, I have tried all three, and I’m still struggling. I need to write it out, I need to put it out there.

There are so many things in my life going amazingly right now. As a family, we have started going to church, which is great. Winter sickness is on its way out of the house, the weather is turning to spring.

The weather is turning to spring. Therein lies my problem.

Anxiety Help! Spring Showers Bring It Out In Me.

Remember how spring is a trigger for me? So many things in my life that were traumatic happened around this time of year. And every year, it just comes flooding back. And this is what I have trained for since June 4, 2018. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to be happy that it was warm out and be joyful and peppy like all the other Michiganders. And I’m not.

If I’m being fair, I’m probably doing better than I have in past years. Radical acceptance has helped with that. But my anxiety, which was under control for a long time, has been making unpleasant appearances. Little things that wouldn’t typically make my anxiety appear, are. And not just for a brief period of time, it’s coming to visit for hours or full days.

One night, I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. My anxiety was super high and I was attempting to silence my brain so I could just rest. Out of nowhere, this thought spoke to me in my head:

“If my own dad can’t love me, how can anyone love me?”

I started crying and fell asleep shortly after. The next morning it was one of the first things on my mind, that thought. And it won’t go away. I would say that about 2-3 times a day it comes up.

And the thing is, I know that people love me. My husband adores me, I have a baby girl who sleeps with my picture because she can’t stand to be separated from me. I have my little man who gives me all the snuggles I could possibly want and who gets so excited to see me at the end of the day.

But this eats away at me. How is it that I suck so much that one of the people who gave me life doesn’t even love me?

I hate watching shows with happy, loving, protective dads. I used to have one of those.

But he pushed me to the side for someone new.

It hurts the most when I hear that he doesn’t understand how his step-daughters father can treat her like he does when he won’t even answer my calls. I saw on Facebook one day where he told someone that he loved them like his own daughter. I wanted to say sorry to her because that statement doesn’t hold a lot of stock, but I didn’t.

There has just been too much loss in my life. I’m tired of being abandoned by those that I love so much. I want somebody to care about me as much as I care about them.

A few months after my son was born, a flower delivery guy came to the front door with a blue bouquet of flowers. My brain got excited for a moment, and I thought maybe my dad sent them, just as a nice gesture.

They were from work.

My dad had made it clear that he had no desire to be a part of my children’s lives, but my brain and heart were hopeful.

As much as I hate hot weather, I would almost rather it go from winter to summer with no spring at all. I think that would trick my brain into thinking that this time of year actually doesn’t happen and I would be able to blissfully go through my days with a smile on my face. A real smile, an authentic smile. Not a fake one.

Spring Showers Bring….A Plea For Anxiety Help?

Hug your moms. Hug your dads, your brothers, anyone you love. Don’t take anyone for granted.

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